Why Does Change Take So Long?

When you seek therapy, you are typically looking for some kind of change. Change to your thoughts, changes to your relationships, change to your behaviors. Oftentimes, taking the first step toward starting therapy can feel so daunting that you just want a quick fix for whatever you are coming in for. Quick fixes unfortunately do not lead to long-term change and growth. Think of the ever-so-popular New Year’s Resolution where we all seem to believe that on January 1st, we will suddenly be completely different people. New Year’s Resolutions often fail because we make huge sweeping changes that are unsustainable to our already formed habits. So how do we begin to make changes in our life and why does it have to take so long?

Therapy Is Like Tending A Garden

Imagine for a moment that you have just planted some seeds in the early days of Spring… do you anticipate that by tomorrow they will be full-grown tomato plants? Of course not. We learn very early on (even if you are not inclined to garden) that seeds take time to develop and that there is growth happening where we can’t see it. Therapy and working on yourself are very similar.

Step 1 in Gardening: Prepare the earth for the seed

Step 1 in Therapy: Think about what changes you would like to see in your life

Step 2 in Gardening: Place the seed in the earth

Step 2 in Therapy: Place the ideas that will lead to change in your conscience thought

Step 3 in Gardening: Cover the seed with earth and water

Step 3 in Therapy: Allow yourself to entertain the idea of making these changes

In the same way that your seedlings are growing a new root system in the soil, you are growing a new connection to these healthy habits in your brain.

Step 4 in Gardening: Check on your seed, provide proper nutrients and sunlight

Step 4 in Therapy: Make small incremental changes on a daily basis.

This is where we might become discouraged in our efforts. It’s been days and we don’t see any growth in the seed or in ourselves. We might start to forget about the seed or lose hope but we are forgetting about all of the growth that is happening just below the surface. We also might feel inclined to over-do-it. You can’t make any huge gesture to make your plant grow faster, you’ll probably end up having to start over. The same goes for change, you can’t try to change too much too fast, you will simply over-do-it and be back at square one. In both scenarios, you are now even more frustrated.

Step 5 in Gardening: Continue to care for the seedling

Step 5 in Therapy: Continue to build off of the previous growth, little by little

You feel excited because you can see some of the differences in the changes you have made, and now is the time to continue to develop those changes and stay strong in building those healthy habits. Steps 4 and 5 can take weeks to months to years to build.

Step 6 in Gardening: Now you have a plant, continue to assess for the needs of the plant given differing seasons and conditions

Step 6 in Therapy: You’ve created sustained change, continue to assess for YOUR needs as life experiences and situations continue to change.

Of course, there are many more steps that can go into both gardening and therapy. However, when you break down what it is that we are trying to do in each therapeutic session, simplicity can take a lot of the pressure off. The idea is to allow the seed of change to be planted and continue to tend to it in small ways every day. Don’t drown your seed in water and down drown yourself in change and high expectations. High expectations and a lack of patience in both therapy and gardening lead to dissatisfaction.