Do You Identify with Eldest Daughter Syndrome? Now What?
The impact of growing up as the oldest child, specifically the oldest daughter in a family is gaining some traction on social media, but what do you do with this growing awareness of your own patterns?
First things first, What is Eldest Daughter/Oldest Child Syndrome? and Why does it matter now?
In 2024, social media is flooded with testimonials and first hand accounts speaking to what seems to be a common held experience of the first born child in a family. This influx of videos, posts and articles on the topic has enlightened both oldest children and everyone else to the potential negative impact of birth order and societal influence on long term relationships and wellness. So what is it? Eldest Daughter Syndrome or Oldest Child Syndrome speaks to the personality characteristics that are common for oldest children such as being
overly responsible
perfectionists
rule following
high achieving
competitive
usually striving for leadership roles
sometimes described as Type A personalities
Okay, so what’s the big deal about these personality qualities? These traits seem like they could aid in success later in life? Sure, they often do and our society does put great worth and emphasis on these qualities. Oldest Child Syndrome is speaking to the common experience of feeling pressured to grow up quickly and take on more responsibility which then can lead to the oldest child to develop their entire personality and value system around this experience. Now as the oldest child continues to grow and start a life of their own, they might notice these common patterns:
people pleasing others
lack of patience or understanding for their own needs
not even being able to even recognize their needs
not know “who they are” if they aren’t helping others or taking care of others
lack of boundaries with others
disproportionate striving for success
lack of acknowledging or experiencing their own emotions
resentment towards others usually associated with a lot of guilt
This list is why this topic matters. As a clinician, I see these patterns pop up time and time again. These traits can often times correlate to anxiety and depression symptoms, relationship issues and identity crises. The power of this new term, Eldest Daughter Syndrome or Oldest Child Syndrome, is that it gives a label and creates a shared experience that can be talked about and related to in an easy way. That’s why these terms take off with such swiftness! We all just want to be seen, heard and know that someone else out there gets what we are going through. This is not to say that these symptoms are exclusively experienced by oldest children or eldest daughters. This is also not to say that this is the only experience of oldest children or eldest daughters. But if someone is experiencing them, they can leave a lasting impact.
Now there are a plethora of articles and videos speaking to this common experience that have done a great job of explaining this, so I highly recommend seeking out more information about this identify if you would like.
What Can I Do if I Notice These Patterns for Myself?
This is a great topic to explore with a therapist! Its often helpful to have the validation of someone else and to explore these patterns with an outside unbiased person. Looking for a therapist in Nevada or Washington? Contact me! Here are a few areas to consider in the meantime:
Allow yourself the time and space to reflect and validate your own experience and emotions. Often, you haven’t given yourself space to feel your feelings and this can be a daunting process, believe me, we all know that avoidance is easier in the here and now. But it doesn’t serve us in the long run. Validated that however you are feeling, is okay and you can tolerate uncomfortable emotions. This is a lifelong practice.
Ask yourself on a daily if not hourly basis, who am I? But in all honesty, break this question down into more digestible questions like Do I like this? Do I find joy or purpose from this? Is this necessary for me? Is this how I want to show up?
If you notice the patterns described above in your own life, ask yourself, how do I want to show up for others and myself in the future? Make a list focusing on the questions from #2! Consider your morals, values and beliefs that are true to you. Who you really are, not who others want you to be.
Learn to sit with being good enough. Good enough in your relationships, your work, everything you do. Need more on this topic? Check out this post about trying your best versus being good enough.
Set boundaries! Resentment especially with those closest to us often stems from a lack of boundaries in the relationship. If you find yourself becoming upset because people are asking too much of you, you don’t feel considered, you feel like the relationship is disproportionate most of the time, set boundaries! Remember, boundaries are necessary to preserve relationships to help avoid cut off. Now, setting and maintaining boundaries can be very anxiety provoking. That is normal, you are setting up a new dynamic and than can be uncomfortable for everyone.
We can’t choose our birth order. We can’t change the common experience of moving through the transition of being an only child to sharing our parent. We can’t change what happened in our childhood or how we were parented. But we can change how we relate to the world now. Its not easy but its not impossible either.